Nothing like starting 2011 off with a bang!

Goodness gracious. Sometimes I wonder about myself, like really, am I sane? Does a normal person react the same way I do to certain things?

For example.

This morning my cell phone rang, my parent's house was calling. Well, someone from their house was calling. I answer my new iPhone (thanks Mom and Dad for the early bday present) and put it on speaker because I'm still in bed and it's just easier. It's my Mom, except she sounds weird.

You know those voice changer things that people speak into and it changes their voice to sound like something else? Well. My Mother sounded like she was sick, losing her voice and speaking through a voice changer. She sounded like she was whispering. I couldn't understand a word that she said.

I asked if she was sick? Was she alright? And then panic mode set in- what was going on? For some reason my mind automatically jumped to the sane (doubtful) conclusion that my Mother was hiding under her bed, whispering into her cell phone because she/my family is being attacked. I keep asking her if she's alright but I can't understand what she's saying to me.

Then she hangs up on me.

I now go into uber-panic mode. Jump out of bed. Throw on a sweatshirt. Grab my car keys, impatiently wait for my newly installed garage door opener (thanks Dad, last year's bday present, installed about a month ago, no worries, better late than never) to open and then I drive like a maniac to my parents house.

On the way I called my parents house and my Mom answered. In a normal voice that was not all Darth Vadery. I yell out, are you alright????? She's like, yes, I'm fine! Something was wrong with one of our phones, I was just about to text you.

I pull over and immediately start laughing and crying hysterically. She's fine. My Father is fine. My brother is fine. Everybody's fine [well, maybe except me] and no one is under attack. I couldn't stop laughing, or crying for that matter, because I had worked myself up so much. Jeesh.

Am I going out on a limb here to say that I may have a problem? This isn't normal, right?

The plot thickens: [actually, you could argue it becomes crystal clear]

When I did return to my parents house later in the afternoon under normal circumstances to tell my Dad about a new house project for us to build (a C table for my living room) and ask to see my Mom's laptop so I could show him the plans. He promptly proceeds to pull my Mother's laptop out from underneath the couch.

That's where they're keeping their computers from now on.

If someone breaks into the house, the thieves won't look there but if it's sitting on the kitchen counter where she normally keeps it, she's shit out of luck.

Somehow to me, this seems insane, while my reaction earlier in the day seems utterly normal under the circumstances....Thoughts? Advice? Phone numbers of therapists for me to begin seeing?

In other super news

I have gained back all of the weight I lost last fall/early winter.

Awesome.

I hate

being blown off.

I think the major reason why is because I wouldn't say I was going to do something and then not call or text informing the person waiting on me of my change in plans.

It irks me.

The long life update post.

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place. My brain is all over the place right now, so that's fitting. There are some things to update so why don't I just skip the pleasantries and jump right in.

The date.

My reaction- eh. Not good, not horrible, just eh. I think I was more disappointed than anything. And I know it sounds shallow to admit, but my disappointment is based in the looks department. And let me also preface this portion of the post with the admission that yes, I am aware that I'm being superficial, and yes it bothers me. If Tuesday's episode of Lost was any indication, than would I really mind a tropical island with polar bears and numbered bunnies as being hell? Not so much. I'll have a killer tan while I'm in hell.

So, my cousin and I instant message most of the day while we're at our respective jobs. She knew about my impending date, and asked if I had found him on facebook. We'll call him Emeril. I told her I had looked for Emeril but didn't have any luck. Literally .5 seconds later, she immed me "I think this is him!!! HE'S CUTE!" and of course I was psyched. I checked out the profile, which was under high lockdown (only visible was the profile pic, hometown and current town) and figured that it probably was him. Current and former city matched and there was a resemblance to my former student, we'll call her Mary.

Um hi, he was cute! I'd even be tempted to use the word hot!!! I was so excited. I let myself think, this could really be it!? We talked on the phone a few times and he was super nice, loved going out, being with friends, was handy (went to a vocational high school) and generally seemed like a good guy. I was really excited for the date- holy crap, what if he seriously became my next relationship! What I've been waiting for for legit, five years! Awesome!

So fast forward a few days and it's D-day. I had a really relaxing day, slept in a little, went for a run outside, cleaned my house, leisurely showered and got ready. He picked me up at my house around 5 (it was a school night so we went to an early dinner) and when he got out of the car I hope the disappointment I felt wasn't apparent on my face. People who know me know I can't hide how I'm feeling on my face, you can read it from a mile away. Granted he doesn't know me so hopefully I'm in the clear. He wasn't horrendous looking, it's not like Sloth from the Goonies got out of the car to open my car door for me, but let's just say the person standing in front of me didn't match the facebook profile picture I had seen. Visuals would help but I would be a total bitch and it wouldn't be right for me to use his actual facebook pictures.

Ok, I looked online for an equivalent photo of a young, good looking Portuguese man but all that came up was pictures of jelly fish. Not helping. Well, let's just say that if you grew up in Southeastern Massachusetts you can spot an attractive, well-dressed Portuguese man. Or at least form an image in your head of one.

This is what came out of the car and double-cheek kissed me:

Yes, that is Emeril from the Food Network. Except my Emeril had a goatee. And was a bit thinner. Legit Emeril look-alike. And my Emeril likes to cook too...seriously?

So after the awkward double-cheek kiss (I was so thrown off) he opened my car door (point) and we set off to go eat. We ended up at Not Your Average Joe's which is the way to my heart, really. I love that place. Dinner was good, I had two ruby red margaritas with dinner (in addition to the two glasses of wine I had before he picked me up) and after dinner we decided to go get a drink at the Airport Grille. I will fully admit that I just wanted to go home, see my boyfriendboy who had planned on coming by after the date so we could watch The Pacific and How to Make it in America and relax. But I was a good sport and agreed to the drink. 

So we get to the Airport Grille, which I love. The decor in the lounge reminds me of Casablanca, love it. So I had another glass of wine. He had two glasses of wine at dinner I think, and a dessert wine at the Airport Grille. I don't know if it was the drink, the fact that I'm a good listener, my charm, or what but Emeril decided that it was completely appropriate to confide something in me that he hadn't even told his sister before. I'm not going to spill his trauma because it is exactly that, a trauma and I'm not trivializing or making fun of him at all, it's super serious. Super serious. I wouldn't even know what to do if my closest friend confided this to me. Let's say it's along the lines of him being the victim of a crime that someone committed and would most definitely go to jail for it. It's a despicable act. 

But for some unknown reason Emeril felt that two hours after meeting me it was ok to drop this bombshell on me. I was speechless. Now, I'm not a pro at dating by any means but I am aware that the first date is supposed to be more light-hearted conversation, not life-altering/shattering confessional time. 

So after we finished our drinks he drove me home, walked me to my door and double-cheek kissed me goodnight.

Sadly boyfriendboy had fallen asleep at home and wasn't coming over so I just went to bed a very disappointed little lady.

I compare this date to my three other successful first dates (The Ex, boy I dated for a month and boy I dated for two months) and it just falls flat. Those other three first dates there was attraction, excitement, an energy- if that makes sense. And also, when I'm drinking that usually makes me more lovey/flirty which didn't happen with Emeril. 

And the poor guy sealed his fate by texting me, "Hey there mamasita. How's ur day so far? Those good vibes working for ya?"

Do I even need to explain that one any further?

I love

sleepovers.

"Try it, you might like it!"

-Danny Wood, New Kids on the Block

That was a quote from a video back in the day, that I or my cousin Nikki taped off of tv of the New Kids on tour. They were eating, and Danny was telling the camera that his mother used to tell him, "Try it, you might like it" about new foods.

I rarely attempt this because I worry about wasting a precious meal either out to eat or store bought in the event that I don't like it. Case and point, lunch today.

Normally I get the Chicken with Almonds Lean Cuisine and I decided to branch out and bought two new ones: one with veggies and whole wheat pasta (I failed to notice at point of purchase that this meal came without chicken) and rice with chicken, veggies and cranberries in an apple sauce. (Not apple sauce apple sauce but some sort of apple glaze business.)

Both I did not like. Now, I did not mind the pasta with veggies option that I had yesterday but my complaint is that it doesn't have chicken aka not enough to it. The second meal which I had today, really didn't agree with me. I should've known but I figured I'd take Danny Woods' words of advice, but unfortunately for me, I was not a fan of either. Back to my chicken with almonds.

Not until the end of the week though, I bought lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, mushrooms and almond slivers to make salads for the week, I've just been too lazy to do so. I think that'll be my afternoon activity.

And watch, we'll have no school tomorrow and I won't need a pre-made lunch. At least I'll get to sleep in and make bacon and eggs for breakfast because I actually have those ingredients! Oh maybe I'll buy waffle mix and maple syrup to make waffles too!!!!!!!

Yummmm......is it 3:00 so I can go home and eat something yet?

Despite

over ten years going by Dawson's Creek still manages to make me cry.

Could this vacation be off to any worse a start?

This post contains information of a TMI (Too Much Information) nature, probably more than any of you really need to know about me. But I'm going to continue, feel free to stop reading if you don't want to be grossed out.

Today was my real first day of vacation aka first day I really got to sleep in. Let's see, vacation started last Wednesday and I worked at be jeweled Wednesday and Thursday 10 am- close both days. Then Thursday was Christmas eve where I drank a bit too much at my Aunt's on my Dad's side of the fam, had a *guest* over Christmas eve and woke up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to open presents with my fam. Got there around 7 am. We opened presents where I got way too many things (slightly spoiled this Christmas) and had bacon and eggs for bfast. Came home, took a nap and then went to my Aunt's house for Christmas with my Mom's side of the fam.

Went to my Uncle's house on my Dad's side Christmas night, no drinking for me! We played LCR which got very intense but is always fun. Oh!! I have a great picture:

If you're interested in how the game is played click on the link above, too long to explain. So not too late of a night there, maybe 10ish. Then Saturday, what did I do....oh got up, went to the gym then to my Aunt's house to see my Uncle who came over from Nantucket. At night went to my friend Mike's house for a little soiree and then stopped at McDonald's on my way home. I made it safely, with all my clothing intact and believed the universe had given me a break from its fast-food hatred.

Well.

Sunday wasn't anything special, house stuff, I set up my new desk (West Elm Parsons Desk- Love!!) and put a lot of crap downstairs into the basement. Went to my friends Heather and Pat's house with some old colleagues and had a good time. Here comes the TMI part, feel free to skip down.

UPDATE: Deleted the TMI part.....

Ok, back to normal those of you who skipped that last paragraph. Today I decided to go to the Ashland Library and the Natick Mall, the library to get my free Domino magazines they were holding for me and the Mall to check out Anthropologie mainly and some other stores. That trip was a success then I needed to get home in time for Bunco dinner at Tokyo in Fairhaven. Well, I had called my Dad earlier and asked if he would pick up LaLa because I would be out all night and he did. Only to discover once he got to my house, that my heat had shut off and wouldn't restart. What. The. Fuck. Needless to say between buying electric heaters so my effing pipes don't freeze while we try to get the boiler fixed tomorrow I didn't make it to Tokyo on time.

Combining all those things with the fact that I'm breaking out like a freaking 14 year old with acne this has been a superly shitty week so far. So not the pre-birthday week I had envisioned for myself. But I need to keep this in perspective, there are people going through a lot worse than me....ok I have my non-cranky pants on again, going to watch Harry Potter with my brother and sister.

Sadder than when Domino magazine closed-

I can't find all of my old copies of the magazine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck did I do with them? I explicitly remember keeping them, and I can picture where they were in my apartment, yet I have no idea where they are in my house, if they are in my house....tear.

On a sidenote, on my mission to find these old issues in my house, I ventured into my basement. Let me point out that my basement is DISGUSTING and I avoid going down there at all costs. So I venture down there, and start looking in the little space under the kitchen addition which is bigger than a crawl space but def not high enough for me to stand up [[aww I'm at the part of Wall-E where Eva realizes that Wall-E loves her by watching the footage recorded while she was "asleep" because she had found plant life on earth....if you have never seen the movie you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about...you should totally just go watch it.]] so I'm crouching looking through boxes and I find a bunch of cards and ticket stubs and stuff that I had on my desk in my apartment. I see a hole in the ceiling that was definitely chewed by some kind of rodent and I start searching more quickly. I apparently pick up an old bday card from Meaghan a *tad* bit too hard and it freaking starts playing Mmmbop by Hanson and scares the shit out of me- thanks Meg! One braid! HFF Foreva!

LOL I just lost five years off my life. On the plus side, I found my Wedding binder! And I found the binder I started for house stuff, and two other issues of Domino but I know I had more than four of them saved!!! I'm so sad....

I have a small problem.

It has grown into a larger problem now that time has gone on. And I've learned about blogs. And Google Reader.

See, when I was in a relationship I'd say this started roughly eight, nine, ten years ago? (Good God, it's been that long?) When I was in said relationship, I thought I was going to marry this person and I started organizing things, pictures, information, etc. about that wedding, just to be prepared for when that day came. Instead of a proposal and a sparkly diamond ring, I got a cheating boyfriend, his crazy new girlfriend and shortly thereafter they welcomed a bouncing baby boy into the world. Def far-off from my envisioned future for he and I....

I kept my Wedding Binder, organized into sections based on the ceremony, reception, favors, dresses, veils, bridesmaid dresses, flowers, etc. for when the day would come again when I'd dream of my wedding.

Fast forward five years after that relationship imploded and despite a major lack of new relationships and therefor potential weddings, my obsession with all things bridal has just continued to grow! I partially blame that on two best friends getting married this Spring/Summer and helping them in any way possible. Partially.

One of my Google Reader subscriptions is to the UNBELIEVABLE wedding blog Style Me Pretty which is pretty much the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Every day, many times a day, the site is updated with fabulous and utterly amazing weddings- real weddings- that are out of this world. Apparently a trend is to take pictures of the bride's shoes, and they're usually like Christian Louboutins or Manolos (I don't even know if I'm spelling either of those names correctly, that's how unassociated I am with those brands of shoes) so never in a million years would these weddings be within my reach, but does that stop me from "starring" (adding to my favorites) the posts in my Google Reader for future reference? Hell-to-the-NO.

I just added another amazing blog- Ruffled. No words. I wouldn't consider myself indie or eco-friendly but vintage? Those are the weddings I love the most!! It's an obsession I can do nothing to stop!

Then from that site I saw this site, which is the coolest thing: Wedding Chic Couture which has the coolest stuff for your wedding day.

I need to stop. I am getting NOTHING done at school and I have a lot of stuff I need to be doing. But they're just all so pretty!!!

How can you not get sucked into all this????

A logical response would be when you DON'T HAVE A POTENTIAL WEDDING TO PLAN.

Except I'm far from logical. I think it's part of my charm.

Fire and Scolding

No, I did not say scalding, I said scolding.

Those are two words that, in that order, were my morning.

I've gotten really good at getting stuff organized the night before work so the morning is less stressful. So I've been doing the dishes the night before, setting out my bowl and spoon for cereal, knife to cut the strawberries for said cereal, butter knife for pb&j, fork to take pickle out of jar and into baggie, coffee mug cleaned and drying on counter, four packets of splenda for said coffee, and last but not least, my coffee all ready to be plugged in in the am and perk away.

So I did all this last night and this morning got ready, came downstairs and plugged in the coffee pot. Then I got the bread, sugar-free jelly and pickles out of the fridge for my lunch. I start to make my sandwich when I hear that the coffee pot isn't making its usual noises. It sounds sick. So I listen harder, and yeah, not working. So upon further inspection I notice that it looks like the top piece and bottom piece have like, come apart. This is essentially the coffee pot I have:

(cofeeperculators.jpg)

And it looked like it was coming apart where the black bottom meets the silver pot itself. NG (no good.) So I attempt to maybe reconnect it, and when I lift it up I realize it's really light, aka there's no water in the pot itself. I unplug it, use a cloth and take the top off, then the pieces inside to see the actual pot itself and it sparks. So I put cold water inside the pot and it sizzles like a pan you just take off the stove and put in the sink: NG. There's smoke. I open the window to avoid the smoke detector going off. I decide to submerge the whole thing in the sink jic (just in case) so that any sparks or potential fires are put out.

Super.

So I make my lunch, eat my Cheerios with strawberries and head to work. I stop at the ATM first to take out money to buy a coffee. ATM spits my card back out at me and says to contact my financial institution. WTF (what the you know what) I figure my account is negative and just forget about my coffee and head to school.

Get there, am set up for today, ready to collect the kids' permission slips to watch scenes from Roots and Amistad. I watched both yesterday and knew what scenes I wanted to show the kids. I collect the permission slips for block one and two students forgot theirs. I had told them ahead of time that if their parents preferred they could have an alternative assignment. So instead of saying, well sucks to be you, here's your assignment to complete in the library! I said, why don't you head to the office and call home, see if your Mom or Dad could email me and just say you have permission. I sign their agenda books and they're on their way.

Kids are watching the clips, and my classroom phone rings. It's our Principal. SUPER. She asks me why two of my students are in the office calling home. I explain. She asks what the movies are I'm showing. I tell her. She asks when they got the permission slips. I tell her yesterday. She says "Well, I'm sure I made it clear that we would prefer to not have our students leaving class, and now I have them in the office and I am giving them a hard time about being out of class, so we'll talk about this later on."

SU. PER.

Then after the period my department chair comes in and says so....I was like yeah, I obviously shouldn't have done that, I figured it was better to have the kids have their parents email me than to just automatically give them the alternative assignment, he said oh I agree, just you know, if you have to have them call home, have them use the planning area phone (we're on the third floor) as opposed to the office phone (on the first floor, attached to the Principal's office) etc, etc, etc. So ultimately, not a huge deal, but I HATE HATE HATE getting in trouble or being scolded for shit.

So that's how I started my day! Fun!

Now I get to go by Benny's after school and buy a new coffee pot. And never forget to not put water in it ever again.

Oh, also my bank account was not in fact negative, I have no idea why my card was rejected. Another mystery to solve.

Careers I will NOT be pursuing:

Stripper.

This Friday was a low-key one for me, which was just what the doctor ordered. I didn't go out, laid low, and decided to go to the gym for the Cardio Strip Tease class that's from 7:30 to 8:30. I've been wanting to try it but just haven't gotten there because it's on a Friday and it's at the Fall River WOW which is kind of out of the way, but the powers aligned and I was good to go last week.

Let me just preface this by saying that the music was great (aka BRITNEY, fitting for a class of stripper moves), the instructor was super nice and the other women in the class (all three of them) were nice too. I just could not stop laughing though.

I like to think I'm an OK dancer. I took dance for more years than I'd like to count, I have rhythm, I have choreographed before, granted it was a high school lip sync contest, but we did win first place! So I mean, this shouldn't have been as big of a disaster for me as it was.

Let's just say that the Foxy Lady won't be calling me for my services any time soon....I probably looked like I was having a medical emergency along the lines of a seizure or something. The window that looks into the daycare room from the work out class room, should probably have been blocked, I most likely scared the children.

But nonetheless it was really fun! And I plan on going back again, hopefully bringing some friends with me. Because if there's one way to bond with your friends, it's definitely by group exercise with a stripping theme!

So not on the ball this weekend.

Just a warning, this post may be all over the place and it may lead you to believe that I'm a few cards short of a full deck. Some of you may have already been under that assumption, so no biggie there.

So. I've been trying to eat healthy and work out more, avoid bad foods- more salads and meals for one.* A bad habit I got into was stopping at Taco Bell or McDonald's on the way home from a night out. Not only do I think it's a habit I shouldn't have formed, but I'm starting to think the Universe agrees with me, that I should not eat McDonald's after a night out.

I also should mention that I'm not a religious person by any means. I go with my fam occasionally to our Congregational church, Christmas, when my brother Andrew is in a play or something, or when my sister Erin is singing or something. But God isn't something that I consider in my life. I'm questioning this now though.

So it started when a few months ago, let's see, what night out did this incident follow...I have no idea. Well, in any case, after a night out I decided to stop at McDonald's which is unfortunately right down the street to my house. Well, the truck in front of me was apparently asked to pull forward to wait for their order. Except he didn't pull forward enough. I pull up, get my food, try to pull out but don't quite fit. I have to do one of those embarrassing 78 point turns to get out of line. Except I probably should have made it an 80 point turn because 78 didn't cut it, and I hit his truck. He gets out, looks at the damage and gets back into his car. He then pulls up. I drive around and pull up next to the passenger side of the truck. His female companion looks at me and I like shrug my shoulders and she's kind of like "I don't know?" so I realize, I need to take this opportunity and get the eff out of there, since I had been drinking that evening- no need to make an already ridiculous situation worse. I get home, sit down to eat. They gave me effing cheeseburgers. I hate cheeseburgers. Serves me right.

Ok so fast-forward to summer. I had finally got a pedicure. I believe it was a Saturday I did all this. I could totally be wrong. Maybe it was a Friday, who knows, doesn't matter. So I get a pedicure. Go out. Decide MickyD's is a good idea. No situation arose actually at McDonald's but when I got home and settled in in front of the TV on my leather ottoman/coffee table set-up, I went to slide my feet under the ottoman for whatever reason and slit. my. toenail. down. the. center. Halfway down the nail. Blood everywhere. Hurt like a mother effer. And more importantly, ruined my pedicure. Strike two Ronald.

Now for the odd occurrence (I totally almost forgot about this one!) So in August, I decided I wanted Chicken, Broccoli and Ziti from Riccardi's. It's amazing. I recommend it, well when the Universe isn't plotting your demise I recommend it. So I ran out to grab my food, came home, ready to eat, notice LaLa chewed through my computer cord that charges my computer. It's the end of the summer, I'm poor and cannot afford to buy a new $80 cord until school starts. I didn't talk to that biatch for three days. Universe? Angry dog? You decide.

Ok, so I went all that time without McDonald's and even Riccardi's because I'm getting nervous something crazy is going on here! Fast forward to last Friday night. Meeting up with the old co-worker group, wicked excited about it. It's been a rough start of the year- just a lot of work, late nights planning, early morning photocopying, etc. So I was psyched to see them. I was planning on not drinking but some new co-workers invited me out for a drink after work which I had to go to, have to make an effort with the new co-workers! There goes that idea. Three V and T's later, I head home for dinner. Heat up my meal for one, have a drink at home and get ready for the game at my old school.

I wear a new top from J.Crew that I bought:

A yellow cardigan:

And a scarf:

And sweatshirt/jacket because it's cold. Can't find a picture of this but it's like a blazer, but made out of dark gray sweatshirt material. So get to old school, see some students, old co-workers, good times. Head to my friend Ross' house for a drink before we meet the rest of our coworkers at Flaunt. I think I have two drinks at Ross' house. We go to Flaunt. I have I think one maybe two more drinks. End up outside for some reason where I see this kid Kyle I know. Talk with him for a while. I think co-workers left, I stayed and talked with Kyle (this could be wrong, feel free to correct me if you actually know what happened.) So I left. Went home. Stopped at McDonald's.

I should've known better.

I get home, eat my food and go to bed. The next morning I wake up for work, shower and get ready. I come downstairs and find my McDonald's cup on my desk near my computer with the empty bag. Inside my McDonald's cup is a metal fork. Hm. I bring the bag into the kitchen to throw away and put the cup in the sink and notice my pocketbook (empty), scarf and wallet on my stove. Hm. I put my wallet back into my bag only to notice that my iPod and camera and stuff aren't in my bag. Hm. Discover them strewn about on my front seat. Interesting.

Get ready for work at leave the house. I attended a friend's wedding that night and was looking for the sweatshirt/jacket to wear. Hm. No where to be found. I go upstairs, my jeans and flip flops are on the floor in the bathroom, not unusual after a night of drinking. My top and cardigan are in my second bedroom on the ironing board, again, not unusual but no sweatshirt/jacket.

Fast forward to today- the sweatshirt/jacket still hasn't surfaced. It's missing. I confirmed with Ross and with Kyle that I did in fact have the jacket on when he left (Ross) and when he walked me to my car (Kyle) so I should indeed have my jacket. Except I don't.

My conclusion is the Universe is fucking with me. What do you think?

*see previous post about Target trying to get me down on my single status.