I got the nicest, most sincere and sweet letter in the mail yesterday.
I don't even have the words to express how I felt reading it.
Made my day. More than my day. Days plural.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Debbie Downer
I've been quite the Negative Nelly lately. There's been a lot of things on my mind, some probably not as big a deal as I'm making them, others quite upsetting and it's taken it's toll in the last few weeks.
Big picture topics of these issues are:
1. Boys
2. My weight
3. Weddings
4. Money
5. Cancer
6. Family
It's a constant cycle going through my brain right now. Some times are more stressful than others. I usually am good at differentiating between things I can control and things that are out of my control in terms of what to stress over and what not to stress over. I'm not doing so well where that's concerned right now.
Let's see, issue #1 is something I do have control over but at the same time do not. I feel like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls are out to break fast and Charlotte is super hungover and says exasperatedly, "Where is he already??? I've been dating since I was sixteen- I'm exhausted!" Granted I've only been dating since I was 18, was in a long-term relationship for five years where I had my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped all over and then shoved back in followed by two pseudo-relationships that lasted no longer than a month, and my current situation, a friend with benefits since roughly August of 09. I feel like I do nice things for people all. the. time. I don't do them in the expectation that I'm going to get something in return, but I'm hoping that karma is going to repay my good deeds at some point with a man who I want to marry and have children with. The waiting part is beginning to really suck and I'm not sure what to do about it. Not to mention that I'm pretty much the only single person out of my friends and family. Awesome.
Issue #2 definitely in my control. I like to whine and bitch that it isn't, but it so is. I simply wish I was the type of person who enjoyed working out, and who did not enjoy fat, not healthy for me food. Sadly since that is not the case I have to force myself to work out and eat healthy which turns them into chores that I don't want to do. If there's one thing I'm good at it's justifying not working out and not eating healthy. I did well on week 1 of the LBN diet; week 2...not shaping up so well.
Issues #3 and #4 go hand in hand. Weddings are expensive. Being in them, also expensive. I don't even know how I'm paying my own bills this summer, nevermind how I'm going to pay for a bachelorette party this Saturday, a wedding gift two weeks after that, drinks at said wedding (although my parents will be there so maybe they'll buy me a drink or two) followed by a J.Crew bridesmaid dress for second wedding of the summer, I'm assuming bridal shower and bachelorette for said second wedding, gifts for that wedding as well. Third wedding of the summer I'm not in but still am participating in shower and bachelorette festivities, gifting as well. There's whole other can of worms attached to issue #3, not one I'd like to get into on here though.
Also attached to issue #4 is this summer. I am making less at my new school and we do not get a balloon check to cover our pay in the summer as we used to at my old school therefor I am in dire straights for the summer. I have applied for summer school at both new and old schools in hopes that I get both. New school pays $27 an hour and I'd be teaching in the morning and old school pays $30 an hour and I'd be working in the afternoons writing grant plans for the students involved in the program like I did last summer. Praying. To. God. that I get those. Even one will do. Better than neither.
Sadly issues #5 and #6 go hand in hand as my aunt is currently dying from cancer. She lives in Vancouver which is located across the continent from where I'm located and my mother, her sister, has been flying back and forth to be with her. I don't want to type anymore because I'm about to cry and I'm still at work.
This is me in a nutshell right now. A hot mess.
Big picture topics of these issues are:
1. Boys
2. My weight
3. Weddings
4. Money
5. Cancer
6. Family
It's a constant cycle going through my brain right now. Some times are more stressful than others. I usually am good at differentiating between things I can control and things that are out of my control in terms of what to stress over and what not to stress over. I'm not doing so well where that's concerned right now.
Let's see, issue #1 is something I do have control over but at the same time do not. I feel like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls are out to break fast and Charlotte is super hungover and says exasperatedly, "Where is he already??? I've been dating since I was sixteen- I'm exhausted!" Granted I've only been dating since I was 18, was in a long-term relationship for five years where I had my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped all over and then shoved back in followed by two pseudo-relationships that lasted no longer than a month, and my current situation, a friend with benefits since roughly August of 09. I feel like I do nice things for people all. the. time. I don't do them in the expectation that I'm going to get something in return, but I'm hoping that karma is going to repay my good deeds at some point with a man who I want to marry and have children with. The waiting part is beginning to really suck and I'm not sure what to do about it. Not to mention that I'm pretty much the only single person out of my friends and family. Awesome.
Issue #2 definitely in my control. I like to whine and bitch that it isn't, but it so is. I simply wish I was the type of person who enjoyed working out, and who did not enjoy fat, not healthy for me food. Sadly since that is not the case I have to force myself to work out and eat healthy which turns them into chores that I don't want to do. If there's one thing I'm good at it's justifying not working out and not eating healthy. I did well on week 1 of the LBN diet; week 2...not shaping up so well.
Issues #3 and #4 go hand in hand. Weddings are expensive. Being in them, also expensive. I don't even know how I'm paying my own bills this summer, nevermind how I'm going to pay for a bachelorette party this Saturday, a wedding gift two weeks after that, drinks at said wedding (although my parents will be there so maybe they'll buy me a drink or two) followed by a J.Crew bridesmaid dress for second wedding of the summer, I'm assuming bridal shower and bachelorette for said second wedding, gifts for that wedding as well. Third wedding of the summer I'm not in but still am participating in shower and bachelorette festivities, gifting as well. There's whole other can of worms attached to issue #3, not one I'd like to get into on here though.
Also attached to issue #4 is this summer. I am making less at my new school and we do not get a balloon check to cover our pay in the summer as we used to at my old school therefor I am in dire straights for the summer. I have applied for summer school at both new and old schools in hopes that I get both. New school pays $27 an hour and I'd be teaching in the morning and old school pays $30 an hour and I'd be working in the afternoons writing grant plans for the students involved in the program like I did last summer. Praying. To. God. that I get those. Even one will do. Better than neither.
Sadly issues #5 and #6 go hand in hand as my aunt is currently dying from cancer. She lives in Vancouver which is located across the continent from where I'm located and my mother, her sister, has been flying back and forth to be with her. I don't want to type anymore because I'm about to cry and I'm still at work.
This is me in a nutshell right now. A hot mess.
Thoughts
Facebook has been blocked at school.
Our server has been acting up and I cannot get to gmail or our school's grade/attendance system X2. Progress reports need to be input tomorrow. I know I can input them at home, I think, I haven't tried X2 at home, but part of me feels like I shouldn't have to, it should be available at work. What a novel idea! I also feel anxious that I cannot check my email. Oh iChat isn't working either. I cannot chat with Nikki or Meaghan throughout the day. I feel very secluded.
On top of those communication issues there is a giant lack of cell phone service in our school so I can't even text during my prep without difficulty.
Giant FAIL for my school right now.
Also, I really really really want this comforter for my room:
Awesome. I can't find a picture. But here's the link. It would fit perfectly with the new vision I have for my room.
So would an actual headboard. Sigh. This is just a day of "wants" and frustrations.
Our server has been acting up and I cannot get to gmail or our school's grade/attendance system X2. Progress reports need to be input tomorrow. I know I can input them at home, I think, I haven't tried X2 at home, but part of me feels like I shouldn't have to, it should be available at work. What a novel idea! I also feel anxious that I cannot check my email. Oh iChat isn't working either. I cannot chat with Nikki or Meaghan throughout the day. I feel very secluded.
On top of those communication issues there is a giant lack of cell phone service in our school so I can't even text during my prep without difficulty.
Giant FAIL for my school right now.
Also, I really really really want this comforter for my room:
Awesome. I can't find a picture. But here's the link. It would fit perfectly with the new vision I have for my room.
So would an actual headboard. Sigh. This is just a day of "wants" and frustrations.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
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