Debbie Downer

I've been quite the Negative Nelly lately. There's been a lot of things on my mind, some probably not as big a deal as I'm making them, others quite upsetting and it's taken it's toll in the last few weeks.

Big picture topics of these issues are:
1. Boys
2. My weight
3. Weddings
4. Money
5. Cancer
6. Family

It's a constant cycle going through my brain right now. Some times are more stressful than others. I usually am good at differentiating between things I can control and things that are out of my control in terms of what to stress over and what not to stress over. I'm not doing so well where that's concerned right now.

Let's see, issue #1 is something I do have control over but at the same time do not. I feel like the scene in Sex and the City where the girls are out to break fast and Charlotte is super hungover and says exasperatedly, "Where is he already??? I've been dating since I was sixteen- I'm exhausted!" Granted I've only been dating since I was 18, was in a long-term relationship for five years where I had my heart ripped out of my chest, stomped all over and then shoved back in followed by two pseudo-relationships that lasted no longer than a month, and my current situation, a friend with benefits since roughly August of 09. I feel like I do nice things for people all. the. time. I don't do them in the expectation that I'm going to get something in return, but I'm hoping that karma is going to repay my good deeds at some point with a man who I want to marry and have children with. The waiting part is beginning to really suck and I'm not sure what to do about it. Not to mention that I'm pretty much the only single person out of my friends and family. Awesome.

Issue #2 definitely in my control. I like to whine and bitch that it isn't, but it so is. I simply wish I was the type of person who enjoyed working out, and who did not enjoy fat, not healthy for me food. Sadly since that is not the case I have to force myself to work out and eat healthy which turns them into chores that I don't want to do. If there's one thing I'm good at it's justifying not working out and not eating healthy. I did well on week 1 of the LBN diet; week 2...not shaping up so well.

Issues #3 and #4 go hand in hand. Weddings are expensive. Being in them, also expensive. I don't even know how I'm paying my own bills this summer, nevermind how I'm going to pay for a bachelorette party this Saturday, a wedding gift two weeks after that, drinks at said wedding (although my parents will be there so maybe they'll buy me a drink or two) followed by a J.Crew bridesmaid dress for second wedding of the summer, I'm assuming bridal shower and bachelorette for said second wedding, gifts for that wedding as well. Third wedding of the summer I'm not in but still am participating in shower and bachelorette festivities, gifting as well. There's whole other can of worms attached to issue #3, not one I'd like to get into on here though.

Also attached to issue #4 is this summer. I am making less at my new school and we do not get a balloon check to cover our pay in the summer as we used to at my old school therefor I am in dire straights for the summer. I have applied for summer school at both new and old schools in hopes that I get both. New school pays $27 an hour and I'd be teaching in the morning and old school pays $30 an hour and I'd be working in the afternoons writing grant plans for the students involved in the program like I did last summer. Praying. To. God. that I get those. Even one will do. Better than neither.

Sadly issues #5 and #6 go hand in hand as my aunt is currently dying from cancer. She lives in Vancouver which is located across the continent from where I'm located and my mother, her sister, has been flying back and forth to be with her. I don't want to type anymore because I'm about to cry and I'm still at work.

This is me in a nutshell right now. A hot mess.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Although, people who are willing to do this, clearly won't see the err in their ways unless they are held accountable, which I hope they are.

This poor girl and the other students who went to the prom.

So sad.

And mean.

How soon is too soon?

So as I mentioned in the About Me portion of this blog, over the summer I joined eHarmony. I had emailed back and forth with a few guys, and got to the point of aim conversations with two others. It was poor timing on my part that I joined and got to the convo part at the end of the summer, beginning of the school year when my schedule was just insane. I didn't have time to really spend getting to know new people, I barely had time for the people I already know and know I like, nevermind new people that I wasn't even sure I'd grow to like.

The first guy I was imming with got real annoying, real fast. He told me rather quickly that he wasn't talking to any other girls, from eHarmony or real life, and was curious if I was. Um, guy, I've never met you, we've chatted online a handful of times and I've seen one picture of you. I'm not putting all my eggs in your basket- for all I know it's a hoop with no bottom and with my luck all my eggs will end up splattered on the ground. (Did that analogy work or just sound dumb?) He also wanted to go for a walk along the Cape Cod Canal as our first date. Now, a walk on the Canal sounds amazing, if I know you and know you're not some psycho. I would prefer a well-lit restaurant where we both meet there for my personal safety. Needless to say, that didn't work out.

Guy number two that I was imming with, it wasn't anything in particular, just that I was way too busy to get to know someone, and it kind of stopped.

Well, he immed me again recently asking if things had died down. I said that they had, although we're starting new courses soon which I'm sure will kick up the dust again. I gave him points for persistance though. We talked some more, and he asked if I was interested in getting coffee. I said sure (I figured why the heck not) and we made plans for next Saturday to meet.

Two things. One, he uses emoticons WAY too often. The winking ones. I can see for emphasis every once in a while, but we're not 14 years old anymore, I think we're a little beyond them? Maybe I'm being too judgey. Two, he's been calling me "lovely" as of late. Tonights im read, "hey lovely." Now I only have one relationship to gauge when the nickname portion of the program began, and come to think of the the Ex and I weren't huge nickname people. I don't think I called him "babe" or "hon" or anything at all. He I think called me "babe". If memory serves me correctly, which really isn't anything to go by. I just feel like it's weird and too soon to be referring to me any other way besides my name. Am I just being a bitch? I don't know, it turns me off. Again, you don't know me yet. What if I'm not lovely to you at all? What if you hate me? I also feel like Guy #1 did this too. And I felt the same way.

Updates on this front to follow for sure.

HELP!!!

So I am in need of a new rug for my living room. I want something neutral and simple. I checked my usual sites for house stuff, west elm, pottery barn, cb2, crate and barrel, anthropologie (not that I can afford a rug from there) and the like. Eh, nothing really struck me. I then went to overstock.com and I have a few options/ideas I'd like run past you, feel free to comment or email me which you prefer as I enjoy help and suggestions.

Here we go:

Option 1, cheapest and I really love the pattern, I'd go with the one on the bottom, the "chocolate" option. And did I mention it's cheap? $65.99 for an almost 5x8.

Option 2, again, price not that bad and I like the color too. I'm just not sure gray

will look right with my living room, which is why I also enjoy this rug in the brown option:

I still think I like the houndstooth print better. Color-wise too I think I like it better.

Option 3, I really like the print of this rug and also enjoy the price- $169.99. Not bad.

Ok, thoughts? Please!

One is the loneliest number.

Well, one and a half I guess if you count LaLa.

All I've been watching lately is Sex and the City because my tv shows are all on vacation, or something, and nothing is on really. I just saw the episode before Carrie meets Jack Burger (who after re-watching is so needy and annoying it's ridiculous, he has no self-confidence it's laughable) and she admits at her book launch party that she is really lonely to Miranda. That's me, minus the book launch party.

It's a combination of a lot of things. In no particular order: having to rely on my Dad when my heat doesn't work and feeling like the daughter who won't ever grow up and be independent, having nothing to do last Thursday night and waiting for it to be 8:00 so I could go to bed at a semi-normal bedtime without feeling like a total loser, being single for five years, friends who all have significant others, going from a job where I had a great group of colleagues who became really good friends to a job where I have colleagues who are great, but not really my friends....and did I mention being single for five years? Yeah.

I think it's really been the change in jobs which has brought this to the surface. Lunch time used to be the highlight of the day, probably just like for the kids. We would laugh, yell at each other, make fun of each other, get mad at each other and everything in between, including a chair or two being thrown, but it was awesome. Now I eat lunch alone in my classroom because the teacher's room is just too serious for my liking. They talk about school policy, students violating the plagiarism rule, town politics- all great topics every once in a while, but not something I really want to talk about on my 20 minute break from the kids. So after a few attempts at eating in the teacher's room, I just stay in my room. I actually never really leave my classroom except to make copies or occasionally visit. I know I'm not making enough of an effort here.

So when you take away those friend interactions that I had on a regular basis both inside and out of school, I've been relying on my core group of old friends more than I have in the past. Which isn't their fault. They're awesome. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like though. It's a bunch of factors, me being available more than before, us all being super busy, and I don't want to use this as a factor but it is, they all have significant others which takes up a huge chunk of their time- as they should! It most certainly should! I totally get that. I feel like the balance is off-kilter because I don't have someone to spend that "other" time with, which would take a lot of pressure of my friends. Does that make sense?

Take for instance, my birthday last weekend. A lot of friends couldn't make it for a variety of reasons. Relatively understandable. The hard part for me when stuff like that happens is that sometimes I feel like I put in more effort than I feel like people are investing in me. My friends are all I have. I don't have anyone else as a "default" to celebrate things with, be sad about things with, run errands with, go shopping with- they're it. Which is an unfair amount of pressure on them. I definitely see and know that. It's not fair to them at all. But to use the phrase I hate more than anything else in the world- it is what it is- I have more time for them than they have for me.

I feel like this sounds super selfish and childish. Like a spoiled little girl. But it doesn't change that it's how I feel.

That's also why I think I've been relying on a guy friend of mine probably more than I should. We used to joke that we were each other's "interim" boyfriend/girlfriend. Someone to hang out with, go out to eat with etc. in between significant others. Problem is that has gotten a bit more complicated as of late, and again, because I seem to have more "down time" than I did before, it's on my mind more than it probably would have been before. But also in my defense, the context of our friendship has changed since summer, so that's also playing a factor.

Or maybe I'm just too much in my own head and it's because it's December, way too snowy for my liking and freezing that I'm stuck inside over analyzing shit? Winter blues?

Does anyone else find this time of year extra trying? Am I overreacting? In desperate need of sun and warmth? Thoughts? Feel free to put on your honestpants and give me your two cents!